Nairobi Parenting Clinic How Best to Handle Criticism

Nairobi Parenting Clinic: How Best to Handle Criticism:Have you ever had a grain of sand get into your eye and felt it's sting? Have you ever seen gold at the stage where it's being mined and after it has been refined? Have you ever  been criticized for something you may or may not have done? If yes, how did it feel to be criticized and how did you react to the criticism? Read through the following article to discover how criticism can sting like a grain of sand in the eye and how you can 'mine gold' from it...

More Of my Best Ways to Relax!

It was fun writing yesterday's post but it also got me thinking that I left out many of my own personal favorite best ways to relax. I'll share them with you now.

Hey, these are my personal favs and they really work to reduce my anxiety!

1) Horseback riding - You may wonder why I list this as I have already confessed that riding horses is something I have become fearful of doing! Yes it is true that I get very anxious often when I ride. But when I actually do go riding and actually make it through and get on my horse and ride a bit, and even challenge myself, I am just so relieved when it is over I feel completely relaxed and get a feeling of euphoria! Best feeling ever!

2) Watching CSI - there is no reason why this should be relaxing given the content, but it's somehow very relaxing for me LOL! I just love Grissom!

3) Foot Massage - This can be one of the most relaxing experiences ever! I have heard that all the nerves in your body are connected to your feet!

4) Shampoo and Blow Dry - Yes, yet another salon method to get over feeling stressed, anxious and panic. I don't like to talk - just feel the sensations and get calm!

5) Blog - I am finding blogging very relaxing. I am not sure if it's the soothing feeling I get from engaging in a repetitive habit or the relief from expressing my feelings, so I can let them go.

Who knows I may have more to add to my list of best ways to relax tomorrow. What about you?

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Nairobi Parenting Clinic Nairobi Parenting Clinic How Best to Handle Criti

Nairobi Parenting Clinic: Nairobi Parenting Clinic: How Best to Handle Criti...: Nairobi Parenting Clinic: How Best to Handle Criticism :Have you ever had a grain of sand get into your eye and felt it's sting? Have yo...

The best of PANIC! A Buddhist perspective on coping with anxiety

I've decided it's time to occasionally republish the more popular PANIC! posts from the past so that newer visitors to this blog will get a chance to weigh in on them. Following is the first such blast from the past, complete with comments to date (you can view the original post here). Please feel free to join the conversation!:

A Buddhist perspective on coping with anxiety.
The website of the Buddhism Society at Brown University has an article by Venerable Thubten Chodron entitled "Dealing With Anxiety" [note: this article is now available here], which posits that anxiety is caused by our natural inclination towards self-centeredness:

If somebody else's car gets dented we say, "Well, that's too bad," and forget about it. But if our car gets dented, we talk about it and complain about it for a long time. If a colleague is criticized, it doesn't bother us. But if we receive even a tiny bit of negative feedback, we become angry, hurt or depressed.

Why is this? We can see that anxiety is very intricately related to self-centeredness. The bigger this idea that "I am the most important one in the universe and everything that happens to me is so crucial," is, the more anxious we are going to be. My own anxious mind is a very interesting phenomena. Last year, I did a retreat by myself for four weeks, so I had a nice long time to spend with my own anxious mind and know it very well. My guess is that it's similar to yours. My anxious mind picks out something that happened in my life -- it does not make a difference what it is. Then I spin it around in my mind, thinking, "Oh, what if this happens? What if that happens? Why did this person do this to me? How come this happened to me?" and on and on. My mind could spend hours philosophizing, psychologizing and worrying about this one thing. It seemed like nothing else in the world was important but my particular melodrama.

When we are in the middle of worry and anxiety regarding something, that thing appears to us to be incredibly important. It's as if our mind doesn't have a choice -- it has to think about this thing because it's of monumental significance. But I noticed in my retreat that my mind would get anxious about something different every meditation session. Maybe it was just looking for variety! It's too boring to just have one thing to be anxious about! While I was worrying about one thing, it seemed like it was the most important one in the whole world and the other ones weren't as important. That is until the next session arrived, and another anxiety became the most important one and everything else was not so bad. I began to realize it isn't the thing I am worrying about that is the difficulty. It is my own mind that is looking for something to worry about. It doesn't really matter what the problem is. If I'm habituated with anxiety, I'll find a problem to worry about. If I can't find one, then I'll invent one or cause one.

One means to coping with anxiety is to adopt a perspective that goes beyond just yourself:

By meditating on the kindness of others, we will see that we have actually been the recipients of an incredible amount of kindness and love from others. In doing this meditation, first think about the kindness of your friends and relatives, all the different things that they have done for you or given you. Start with the people who took care of you when you were an infant. When you see parents taking care of their kids, think, "Somebody took care of me that way," and "Somebody gave me loving attention and took care of me like that." If nobody had given us that kind of attention and care, we wouldn't be alive today...

...Think about the incredible kindness we received from those who taught us to speak. I visited a friend and her two-year-old child who was learning to speak. I sat there, watching as my friend repeated things over and over again just so her child could learn to speak. To think that other people did that for us! We take our ability to speak for granted, but when we think about it, we see that other people spent a lot of time teaching us how to speak, make sentences, and pronounce words. That is a tremendous amount of kindness we have received from others, isn't it? Where would we be if no one taught us how to talk? We did not learn by ourselves. Other people taught us. Everything we learned throughout childhood and everything we keep learning as adults -- every new thing that comes into our lives and enriches us -- we receive due to the kindness of others. All of our knowledge and each of our talents exist because others taught us and helped us to develop them.

It may or may not help you achieve enlightenment, but this sure seems like worthwhile advice.

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The best of PANIC! Perfectionism and anxiety

"'Good enough' may be good enough for other people, but it's never good enough for me."

"When I make a mistake, I feel like a failure."

"I study hard because I'm afraid to disappoint my parents."

Do any of these lines sound like something you'd say? Then you're a perfectionist.

According to "Pitfalls of Perfectionism", from Psychology Today, perfectionists "are made and not born, commonly at an early age." Once established, perfectionism tends to get in the way of one's ability to live life to the fullest:

Perfectionism seeps into the psyche and creates a pervasive personality style. It keeps people from engaging in challenging experiences; they don't get to discover what they truly like or to create their own identities. Perfectionism reduces playfulness and the assimilation of knowledge; if you're always focused on your own performance and on defending yourself, you can't focus on learning a task. Here's the cosmic thigh-slapper: Because it lowers the ability to take risks, perfectionism reduces creativity and innovation—exactly what's not adaptive in the global marketplace.

Yet, it does more. It is a steady source of negative emotions; rather than reaching toward something positive, those in its grip are focused on the very thing they most want to avoid—negative evaluation. Perfectionism, then, is an endless report card; it keeps people completely self-absorbed, engaged in perpetual self-evaluation—reaping relentless frustration and doomed to anxiety and depression.

Perfectionism, of course, leads to heaps and loads of anxiety. Nobody's perfect, after all -- so expecting perfection is by definition a doomed enterprise. No wonder, then, that it's so prevalent among those with anxiety disorders:

Perfectionists fear that a mistake will lead others to think badly of them; the performance aspect is intrinsic to their view of themselves. They are haunted by uncertainty whenever they complete a task, which makes them reluctant to consider something finished. "People may not necessarily believe they made a mistake," explains Frost, "they're just not quite sure; they doubt the quality of their actions." Intolerance for uncertainty characterizes obsessive compulsive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, too.

Unfortunately, according to the article, more and more Americans are growing up to be perfectionists. Why? Parents who overschedule and overmanage their kids' lives:

"I don't understand it," one bewildered student told me, speaking for the five others seated around the table during lunch at a small residential college in the Northeast. "My parents were perfectly happy to get Bs and Cs when they were in college. But they expect me to get As." The others nodded in agreement. Today's hothouse parents are not only over-involved in their children's lives, they demand perfection from them in school.

And if ever there was a blueprint for breeding psychological distress, that's it.

So lay off your kids. Let 'em know it's okay to make mistakes -- that mistakes are in fact valuable, in that they provide important lessons. I don't mean you should stop holding your kids to high standards, just that you should strive to let them know you'll love them just as much whether they succeed or fail in whatever they do. Maybe, just maybe, it'll give them the self-acceptance and flexibility of thought and behavior they need to avoid developing panic, anxiety, or OCD.