22 Awesomely Terrible Valentines Day Gifts

We now interrupt our regular Manny Diaries programming for our annual Valentine's special, in which we showcase a series of unfortunate Valentine's Day gifts that will make your loved one run screaming into the nearest snowbank.

1. Giant Meat Heart

$8.57 for all that meat? I tried to enlarge the image to reveal the text, which no doubt read "Turkey Scrotums and Pork Spleens," but the resolution is poor.

 2. Brief Jerky

Discomfort factor: Quite high.

3. His and Her Tongue Scrapers 

Because there is no way you want to share such an item with your spouse or anyone else. Ick! Tongue fur...tongue fur.  I'm going to keep saying that until you FREAK OUT. Tongue fur.

 4. Chocolate Heads

Before you decide to commission your love's face in chocolate, try to find a photograph of said love taken right before he bites into a big hoagie or right after releasing gas. The results will be so much better! YUM.

 5. Faceless Snuggly Thing

This faceless snuggie will comfort you when you are lonely and sad. Then it will heartlessly strangle you. Best avoided.

 6. Fundies!

No Valentine's Day list would be complete without these. Even more fun when worn by
religious fundamentalists with opposing views!

7. Big Phallic Rose

I cling to my fading manhood much as this small, frightened bear clings to this giant, phallic rose. 

8. Giant Purple Gorilla

Apparently there are lots and lots of giant plushies for sale, and all of them feature besotted adult females clinging to them. There's something somewhat unsavory about this. 

9. Valentine Punkin

Found it in the Halloween remainders bin, put a fresh onesie on the item to repurpose it for Val's Day. Fail. 

10. Disapproving Lovey

"I am deeply disappointed in you and will sit here in judgement until you wither before me" did not fit on the heart.

11. Giant Plush...Oh My God What IS That?

Whoa, is that thing to scale? How many acres of Saran wrap did it take to package it? When I "dream big," will you console me when I awaken? That delivery man (or is he a guard?) sure seems anxious.

12. Unidentifiable Pile of Something

Nothing says "I love you" like a pile of hot buttered yak wool with eyes.

13. Long Dog With Fleshy Tongue

It would have been pretty bad as it was, but they had to add that awful, fleshy tongue
that looks somehow real and vaguely human. I made this photo extra-large so you could see
the detail...the taste buds. I suspect tongue trafficking!

14. Fairy Turdlets

When I saw this I couldn't help but think of the phrase "fairy turdlets." There is something potty-esque about her seat, and the brown matter that's piling up around her ankles is just...well, blergh. Plus she has the vacant expression of the perennially constipated. 

15. Valentine's Day Luxury Kit

With this luxury kit, you can watch yourself making love in the bath via a two-way mirror while you simultaneously hug and make up after the big blowout that happens when you discover your creepy "Peeping Tom" Doppelgangers spying on you and blame it on each other. Wait, what?  

16. Milk Chocolate Heart

A one-pound, anatomically correct chocolate heart. VEINS. It has veins. 

17. Sleeping Bag With Teeth 

This really cute sleeping bag zips your loved one (nearly comatose with fright) into a life-size bear pelt! You can then act out your weird animal molestation fantasy while her tears drizzle down the bear's "gullet." What fun! 

 18. Cupid Sweater

Everything about this Etsy sweater would have been JUST ADORABLE until I enlarged the image and spotted the heart poking out from the nude cupid's rear. This begs the questions: "Does he poo hearts? Or are his buttocks red and heart-shaped, to attract other suitable cupids? Or did he have an unfortunate accident in a kindergarten classroom?" Also, this sweater's 3-D attributes make it unsuitable for most dry cleaners and crowded public gatherings. 

 19. Bobblehead Lovers

Customized bobbleheads simultaneously rape an innocent Valentine's heart,
revealing the dark side of this cruel holiday. 

 20. Winkie Warmer

Hand-knit winkie warmer! With scrotal flaps. I think it's supposed to be an elephant.
I actually think this is pretty awesome. 

 21. One-Armed Replacement Wife

Lonely men need look no further than the one-armed Replacement Wife. Lovingly hand-stitched by grannies in the Ukraine. Comes with rubber glove to avoid those "dishpan hands." Please specify boobie size: Ping-Pong Balls, Bocce Balls, Croquet Balls, Dodgeballs.

 22. Some Scary Thing From Etsy

Handmade with terror. Please do not purchase this for me.

United Nations Secretary General’s message for International Youth Day 12 August 2014

on August 11, 2014 in News for Youth, News Stories
A new publication from the United Nations shows that 20 per cent of the world’s young people experience a mental health condition each year.  The risks are especially great as they transition from childhood to adulthood.  Stigma and shame often compound the problem, preventing them from seeking the support they need.  For this year’s observance of International Youth Day, the United Nations wants to help lift the veil that keeps young people locked in a chamber of isolation and silence.



The barriers can be overwhelming, particularly in countries where the issue of mental health is ignored and there is a lack of investment in mental health services.  Too often, owing to neglect and irrational fear, persons with mental health conditions are marginalized not only from having a role in the design and implementation of development policies and programmes but even from basic care.  This leaves them more vulnerable to poverty, violence and social exclusion, and has a negative impact on society as a whole.



Young people who are already considered vulnerable, such as homeless youth, those involved in the juvenile justice system, orphaned youth and those having experienced conflict situations, are often more susceptible to stigma and other barriers, leaving them even more adrift when they are most in need of support.  Let us remember that with understanding and assistance, these young people can flourish, making valuable contributions to our collective future.



We have just about 500 days to reach the Millennium Development Goals.  We must support all young people, especially those who are vulnerable, to succeed in this historic campaign.



Wide-ranging efforts at all levels are needed to raise awareness about the importance of investing in and supporting young people with mental health conditions.  Increased education is crucial in reducing stigma and in changing how we talk about and perceive mental health.



Mental health is how we feel; it is our emotions and well-being.  We all need to take care of our mental health so that we lead satisfying lives.  Let us begin to talk about our mental-health in the same way we talk about our overall health.



As we mark International Youth Day 2014, let us enable youth with mental health conditions to realize their full potential, and let us show that mental health matters to us all.

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Please find below the Secretary-General’s message translated into the other official languages of the United Nations:

On mortality fear friendship and seizing the day

If you're like me, you avoid even thinking the phrase carpe diem. It's been etched by Dead Poets' Society into your permanent avoid-at-all-costs compendium of cliches. But while I'll probably always feel a twinge of repulsion at the phrase, in recent days its meaning has become newly clear to me.

The reason: One of the guys in my book club -- let's call him Joe -- was just diagnosed with a very bad brain tumor. He's a quick-to-laugh, intelligent, scathingly sarcastic man who's completely comfortable in his skin, an adventurer known among his friends as someone who truly does seize the day. My age, he's married to a beautiful and kind woman with whom he has a couple of awesome young kids. A couple of weeks ago, he started having bad headaches. So he went to see his doctor. Upon seeing the results of Joe's CAT scan, the doctor called him and his wife into a small, private room, where he sat them down and told them the bad news. As Joe told a few of us when we brought his family dinner soon after the diagnosis, "Suddenly I was up at the ceiling, looking down at the scene." There's still hope that surgery will reveal that his condition is misdiagnosed, and everyone who knows Joe is hoping against hope on his behalf. Barring misdiagnosis, though, the prognosis is not good.

What Joe and his family are going through now, I can only imagine. So what's the point? Why am I bringing this up on a blog about panic and anxiety? Partly, it's to vent, to express sadness and rage. Partly, it's to express solidarity with Joe and his family, and with the mutual friends who are far closer to them than I. Mostly, though, it's because of the experience I had this past week, en route our most recent book club gathering.

Some quick background: The book club comprises a bunch of really successful, really type-A guys. Top-of-their-field doctors. On-their-umpteenth-prosperous-tech-venture entrepreneurs. Nonprofit heads with names like Steve Jobs in their Rolodexes. In general, they're also just plain really nice people. I consider myself lucky to know them.

However, having half-assed my way through much of my career to date, thanks to agoraphobia and (until recently) a severe lack of a clue as to how to combat it, I sometimes feel like I haven't accomplished as much as I might have with my life -- and certainly not as much as most of these guys have. I also can't help envying and admiring the spur-of-the-moment globetrotting many of them do, as part of this or that high-stakes venture, while often it can be a challenge for me just to drive across the Bay Bridge. It can be intimidating, especially considering that I am by a matter of years the most recent addition to the group.

Add to this the fact that -- again, thanks to agoraphobia -- I have missed more than a few of our gatherings. I have allowed panic to prevent me from taking fuller advantage of this gift, this group that seems by default exceedingly loyal to its loyal members. Rather than diving in, I have too often succumbed to my fears, to my impulse to avoidance, and allowed myself to remain at the periphery. Had I pushed harder in the past, I would know Joe and the rest of the book club guys better than the little I do. It's a real regret for me.

Again this past Tuesday, when it came time to get in my car and drive to the restaurant where the group was meeting, I felt the electric jolt of impending panic. As I drove, it grew. I know this feeling so well by now, yet pushing through it is a battle royale every time. But this time, I was determined not to let anxiety beat me. I was not going to allow myself to turn around and return to the safety of home. I was going to dive in headfirst, and fuck it straight to hell if it meant full-on panic.

Of course, I made it to book club. And I couldn't be more glad that I did. The cocktails and laughter flowed freely, as they always do. The discussion of the book was intelligent and impassioned. Most importantly, though, all those present brought with them a sense of being inspired by Joe and his family, at the combination of positivity and emotional honesty with which they're facing this time of great challenge. Again and again, in one-on-one conversations with different guys during the course of the night, I heard communicated a renewed appreciation of the importance of seizing the day, of making the most of every moment.

As one guy said, "Here's the question you have to ask. Are you happy with your life today? Right now?"

Carpe diem, baby. I'm so terribly sorry that this is what it took to get me here, Joe, but thank you all the same.

Credit: Photo from here.

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8 Fabulous Fathers Day Gifts for the Man Who Spawned You

This Sunday is Father’s Day! Looking for a great gift for Dad, Father, Pater, Pa, Daddy-Wiggums, or That Man Who Spawned 'n' Spurned Me? I’ve rounded up some top choices that will make Dad cry and beat you quicklike, before retiring to the "teeth optional" dive bar on the corner for the remainder of the evening.

At "I am a stuffed animal" you can order a stuffed version of your daddy! It's better than the taxidermized version, because it has no feet, only stumps. Daddy can snuggle it while he watches football, which he invariably does. Then daddy can molest it, which he invariably does. (Note how they captured the model's thuggish cruelty hidden beneath the friendly smile? And the fat eyebrows that sit on his brow like malignant caterpillars? That is artistry, baby!)

Many people who come and go? Shouldn't father sort of come and...stay? What's with the father who "goes"? Isn't he known as a shithead and a deadbeat dad? You'd do better to break this stupid faux wooden plaque over his goddamn head!

The World's Largest Gummy Bear! When daddy eats it his insides will gum up and he will start to have a crazyass acid trip and he will eat his socks and wind up curled in the corner like a small bean, weeping. Why are they all STARING AT ME? They glisten.

This T-shirt is actually pretty awesome. But if you give it to your dad, you will have to include the infant in the gift package or else he won't get the joke, think the shirt is too small, and beat the living fuck out of you.

Jerky of the Month Club, jerky jerkface daddy who never showed up for my ballet recitals! I hope your blood pressure shoots up to salty heights of meaty badness.

This Is What the World's Best Dad Looks Like. He has BOOBS. Awesome.

Damn, this daddy must be hot because he is spawning children faster than we can make amorphous pawprints from them! Are Jordan and Caleb the total black sheep of the family, or what? Did we run out of K names?! What about Kaleb and Kordon?

The little hearts on the base of this figurine do nothing to eliminate the fact that you have given your father an image of himself as a wild and predatory animal, sitting on the shitter. Is that how you see your father? When he is done manhandling his beer, laptop, football, cell phone, crown, paper, and woolly balls, he will take a switch to you.

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