22 Awesomely Terrible Valentines Day Gifts

We now interrupt our regular Manny Diaries programming for our annual Valentine's special, in which we showcase a series of unfortunate Valentine's Day gifts that will make your loved one run screaming into the nearest snowbank.

1. Giant Meat Heart

$8.57 for all that meat? I tried to enlarge the image to reveal the text, which no doubt read "Turkey Scrotums and Pork Spleens," but the resolution is poor.

 2. Brief Jerky

Discomfort factor: Quite high.

3. His and Her Tongue Scrapers 

Because there is no way you want to share such an item with your spouse or anyone else. Ick! Tongue fur...tongue fur.  I'm going to keep saying that until you FREAK OUT. Tongue fur.

 4. Chocolate Heads

Before you decide to commission your love's face in chocolate, try to find a photograph of said love taken right before he bites into a big hoagie or right after releasing gas. The results will be so much better! YUM.

 5. Faceless Snuggly Thing

This faceless snuggie will comfort you when you are lonely and sad. Then it will heartlessly strangle you. Best avoided.

 6. Fundies!

No Valentine's Day list would be complete without these. Even more fun when worn by
religious fundamentalists with opposing views!

7. Big Phallic Rose

I cling to my fading manhood much as this small, frightened bear clings to this giant, phallic rose. 

8. Giant Purple Gorilla

Apparently there are lots and lots of giant plushies for sale, and all of them feature besotted adult females clinging to them. There's something somewhat unsavory about this. 

9. Valentine Punkin

Found it in the Halloween remainders bin, put a fresh onesie on the item to repurpose it for Val's Day. Fail. 

10. Disapproving Lovey

"I am deeply disappointed in you and will sit here in judgement until you wither before me" did not fit on the heart.

11. Giant Plush...Oh My God What IS That?

Whoa, is that thing to scale? How many acres of Saran wrap did it take to package it? When I "dream big," will you console me when I awaken? That delivery man (or is he a guard?) sure seems anxious.

12. Unidentifiable Pile of Something

Nothing says "I love you" like a pile of hot buttered yak wool with eyes.

13. Long Dog With Fleshy Tongue

It would have been pretty bad as it was, but they had to add that awful, fleshy tongue
that looks somehow real and vaguely human. I made this photo extra-large so you could see
the detail...the taste buds. I suspect tongue trafficking!

14. Fairy Turdlets

When I saw this I couldn't help but think of the phrase "fairy turdlets." There is something potty-esque about her seat, and the brown matter that's piling up around her ankles is just...well, blergh. Plus she has the vacant expression of the perennially constipated. 

15. Valentine's Day Luxury Kit

With this luxury kit, you can watch yourself making love in the bath via a two-way mirror while you simultaneously hug and make up after the big blowout that happens when you discover your creepy "Peeping Tom" Doppelgangers spying on you and blame it on each other. Wait, what?  

16. Milk Chocolate Heart

A one-pound, anatomically correct chocolate heart. VEINS. It has veins. 

17. Sleeping Bag With Teeth 

This really cute sleeping bag zips your loved one (nearly comatose with fright) into a life-size bear pelt! You can then act out your weird animal molestation fantasy while her tears drizzle down the bear's "gullet." What fun! 

 18. Cupid Sweater

Everything about this Etsy sweater would have been JUST ADORABLE until I enlarged the image and spotted the heart poking out from the nude cupid's rear. This begs the questions: "Does he poo hearts? Or are his buttocks red and heart-shaped, to attract other suitable cupids? Or did he have an unfortunate accident in a kindergarten classroom?" Also, this sweater's 3-D attributes make it unsuitable for most dry cleaners and crowded public gatherings. 

 19. Bobblehead Lovers

Customized bobbleheads simultaneously rape an innocent Valentine's heart,
revealing the dark side of this cruel holiday. 

 20. Winkie Warmer

Hand-knit winkie warmer! With scrotal flaps. I think it's supposed to be an elephant.
I actually think this is pretty awesome. 

 21. One-Armed Replacement Wife

Lonely men need look no further than the one-armed Replacement Wife. Lovingly hand-stitched by grannies in the Ukraine. Comes with rubber glove to avoid those "dishpan hands." Please specify boobie size: Ping-Pong Balls, Bocce Balls, Croquet Balls, Dodgeballs.

 22. Some Scary Thing From Etsy

Handmade with terror. Please do not purchase this for me.

22

I like being 22.

Mostly because I made it to 22. 

It’s a nice age. A settled age. We went to Bristol for my birthday, back in September. I’d never been before. We stayed in a cute B&B, had some fancy cocktails, ate some crackin’ food, saw the sights and took a ridiculous amount of photos. It was a good September.

Birthday in Bristol, September 2015

By the start of October, I was training to be a volunteer Relationship Advisor for YouthNet - a digital charity for 16-25 year olds.  I still didn’t have a job - I was only half-heartedly looking because I wasn’t really ready - but I stumbled across the opportunity and thought… why not? The nice thing about feeling more in control of myself is that I don’t immediately reject things, people, and, well, everything. I went for it and they took me. I finally felt useful. I loved it. 

By mid-October, I had a job interview with YouthNet. Like… a real life job. A paid one. An adult job. A proper job. I wanted to be their new Editorial Assistant. I wanted to write for young people, I wanted to work for a charity, I wanted to talk about mental health, and sex, and relationships, and all the shit that school doesn’t prepare you for. 

I got it.

YouthNet, December 2015

By the start of November, I’d graduated, moved to Ryan’s in London, and started my new job. All in the space of a week. We bought a wardrobe, a throw for our bed, I was taught how to double lock the front door, and we were bickering about how to squeeze toothpaste and why I leave yoghurt pots on the side instead of putting them straight in the bin (because they can be washed up and recycled). I figured out my commute, I navigated the market on my lunch breaks, and then I put on a mortarboard that didn’t fit and graduated. 

Graduation, Bournemouth, November 2015

And it all felt incredible. Every part. It FEELS incredible. I dealt with every stress and I pushed through it and I am so, unfathomably proud that I am sitting here, able to type this.

In December, my friend and I hosted a fundraising event for Mind, the mental health charity. We crafted, baked, held a raffle, played games, and wore stupid Christmas jumpers. We raised well over £1,000. One thousand! 

Charity event for Mind, December 2015

I’m lucky. Things have just fallen into place, in ways, but it’s still ME who acted upon the things once they fell there. I still made them happen. I could easily put that down to medication but I won’t. It’s been a helping hand, but that’s it. It’s just an enabler. 

I might even be coming off them soon. Not cold turkey, but slowly. Now things are settled, now I’m 22, we’re going to see how my brain does without them. ‘We’, because this isn’t just my battle. It’s my doctor’s, and my boyfriend’s, and my friends’, and my mum’s. We’re all in this together.

It’s only been four months. Four months since I spent my days crying, pushing everyone I loved away, and begging someone, anyone, to just take all the shit I felt away. Since it all felt pointless. Since I found no use in myself and no reason to even try and carry on. But it can only take four months for everything to change, and I find that quite wonderful.