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Maybe the hardest thing ever

I have a lot of experience with behavior management. Mostly, I teach parents how to improve their young children's behavior. It's tremendously rewarding to watch parents, who come to me in distress, feeling like they can't control their own children, grow in their confidence and cunning.

Yeah, cunning.

Anyone with a small child knows it takes mad cleverness to outwit the little creatures. Also, it takes tremendous emotional self-control.

After (*coughcough*) years of practice, I can tell you which, of all the techniques I teach and coach parents to use, is the hardest to actually implement effectively.

Ignoring undesirable (yet relatively harmless) behavior.

All the other things, the praising positive behavior, spending quality time, setting clear expectations and limits, having a consistent schedule, giving good directions, even time out and consequencing ... all pale in comparison to the job of ignoring a child who is doing or saying something annoying. [By the way, ignoring doesn't mean truly tuning out. It means not showing OUTward signs of attending. That's where the emotional self-control comes in.]

This week, I saw the adult equivalent of that in a writers' forum. It was an argument that just went on and on and on and on and on and omg I could keep typing but you get my point. I was lurking, as I am wont to do, and kept staring at the screen and whispering "Ignore them. Don't respond." But then ... more posts! More arguing! This was one of those throwdowns where people haul out the popcorn-eating emoticon.

Isn't he cute? Anyway. The argument didn't even have to happen--it wasn't a debate about two worthy ideas or anything like that. It got to be about semantics and little turns of phrase that had caused the other person to feel offended (though nothing truly offensive was said ... at least for awhile). I was really struck by how neither side could walk away. They were even telling each other to walk away, but no one seemed able to do it, even when it became apparent that neither side was going to come away looking good.

I am fascinated by that kind of thing. It was so important to have the last word. And this is what happens when you attend to a kid's undesirable behavior, like if you yell at him or whatever--it basically never works out. Sometimes it does, temporarily, but usually the kiddo will up the ante, because that kid is a human and we seem to have that need. I always tell parents--the second you step into the ring, you've lost. If I had been sitting next to any of the posters on that forum, I would have said the same thing (right before they called the police to remove the strange, bespectacled woman from their abode).

Have you ever been in a situation like this, where you just couldn't walk away? Did you regret it later? Have you ever been able to walk away from a person who was provoking you? Was it in person or online? If online, was it harder or easier than being in person? And how did you manage to shut down your desire to respond, to get the last word?

And it's the last Wednesday of the month, so it's Deb's turn to answer this month's Sisterhood of the Traveling Blog question, which was about prologues. Lydia's answer can be found here.

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Amnesia is Delicious

In fiction, that is.

In Forget You, by Jennifer Echols, Zoey is in a car accident. She hits her head. And the next day, she can't remember much of anything about the night before. Which is unfortunate, because Doug Fox, her nemesis, is acting like a lot went down.

Post-traumatic amnesia is not uncommon in cases of Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). Basically, the person is unable to store new memories for a period of time after the accident. Zoey actually has a mixed anterograde/retrograde presentation. She can't remember some events leading up to the accident (retrograde amnesia) and she can't remember most of the events that occurred in the hours after the accident (anterograde amnesia). Hence the drama!

Forget You isn't the only YA book with amnesia at its center: Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac, by Gabrielle Zevin, (haven't gotten to read this one yet) is about a girl who hits her head in a fall and loses her memory of about four years of her life. And the upcoming dystopian Memento Nora, by Angie Smibert, involves Therapeutic Forgetting Clinics, where you can take pills to help you kick those traumatic memories to the curb.

Oh! And don't forget the movies! Memento, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, 50 First Dates, Dark City (my personal favorite) ...

Why does amnesia fascinate us so? What makes it such awesome fiction fodder? I think it's because there's something compelling about a character having to find his or her way despite having lost a part of the past. There's something ominous about not being able to remember something that happened, especially when that event was particularly important. There's often a certain romance to it, right? And of course, it makes for a great mystery.

In reality, of course, amnesia isn't that romantic or compelling. It's sad and frightening and frustrating.

Bumps on the head, zaps to the skull, and other physical injuries to the brain lead to organic amnesia, and so can Alzheimer's disease, oxygen deprivation, stroke, and long-term alcohol abuse. But then there are some psychological forms of amnesia, often associated with dissociation. These are, as you might expect, more controversial, but they basically involve the mind trying to protect itself by repressing memories of traumatic events.

What amnesia usually doesn't involve (with the exception of dissociative fugue) is the loss of self-identity. People with amnesia don't usually forget who they are (and here is where reality departs so drastically from fiction).

Amnesia is well-covered in novels and movies, so if you've got an amnesia story, you might want to make sure you've got an original twist (my agent is probably laughing at me right now).

How about you? What are some of your favorite amnesia-fic-picks? Any specific to YA? Have you read Forget You or Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac? Did you wonder about the accuracy of the portrayal? Have you read or watched things where amnesia seemed like a contrivance? Have you read or watched things where it didn't matter whether it was medically accurate or not, because it was just so deliciously good?

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Perform self hypnosis to overcome examination panic

A higher secondary student wrote to me: “I work hard to prepare for all exams, but on the final day I get nervous. Though I try hard to overcome this problem through meditation and yoga, it persists. How do I learn to handle such situations and perform well in the examinations?”

I gave him the following advice:

Examination panic, or other fears related to performance, is common problem. The quickest way to overcome this is through self-hypnosis. Self-Hypnosis is a self-induced state of mind which can be defined as a heightened state of focused attention, with the willingness to follow instructions. The heightened state of focused attention is called trance state and the willingness to accept and follow instructions is called suggestibility. To put it in other words self-hypnosis is self-induced hypnosis.

Nine steps to attain the state of self-hypnosis

1. Go to a quiet room and sit in any comfortable chair or couch. Although some people prefer to lie down, you are more susceptible to sleep than when sitting up. Whether you sit or lie, ensure you do not cross your legs or any part of your body. Crossing legs or hands may cause discomfort after some time and prevent concentrating attention which is very essential to attain self-hypnosis. Make sure you are not going to be disturbed for at least one hour.

2. Close your eyes and work to rid your mind of any feelings of fear, stress, or anxiety. In the beginning you might find it difficult not to think. You may find that thoughts keep intruding. When this happens, don't try to force the thoughts out. Observe them impartially, and then let them slip away. If you find it difficult keep the mind empty without any thoughts try to take lesson from meditation. Focus your attention on your own breathing. It’s much like watching waves on water. Let it be how it wants to be. As you notice your breath now, it may be shallow, uneven or jerky. It’s OK however it is. You’re just observing it with attention -- every inhale and exhale. After some time you can keep your mind empty without any feelings, stress, or anxiety.

Relaxed

Relaxed

3. Recognize the tension in your body. Beginning with your toes, imagine the tension slowly falling away from your body and vanishing. Imagine it freeing each body part one at a time starting with your toes and working its way up your body. Visualize each part of your body becoming lighter and lighter as the tension is removed. Relax your toes, then your feet. Continue with your calves, thighs, hips, stomach and so on, until you've relaxed each portion, including your face and head. Using imagery techniques of something you find comforting or soothing, such as water or placid landscapes can be effective as well.

4. Take slow, deep breaths.  When you exhale, visualize the tension in a dark cloud. As you inhale, see the air returning as a bright force filled with life and energy.

5. Appreciate the fact that you are now extremely relaxed. Imagine you are at the top of a flight of 10 stairs which at the fifth step start to submerge into water. Picture every detail of this scene from the top to the bottom. Tell yourself silently that you are going to descend the stairs, counting each step down, starting at 10. Picture each number in your mind. Imagine that each number you count is further down and one step closer to the bottom. After each number, you will feel yourself drifting further and further into deep relaxation. As you take each step, imagine the feel of the step under your feet. Once you are at the fifth step imagine and truly feel the refreshing coolness of the water and tell yourself that you are stepping into a pool of purity and cleanliness. As you begin to descend the last five steps, start to feel the water getting higher and higher up your body. You should now start to feel somewhat numb and your heart will start to race a bit, but notice it and let any qualms about the situation just drift away into the water.

6. At this point at the bottom of the water you shouldn't really feel anything, just a floating sensation. You may even feel like you're spinning. Once you have achieved this state you should proceed to address your problems and decide upon what it is you want from where you are. (Note: if you do not feel as stated above, try again, slower with a will to grasp what is happening.) Now start to narrate what you are doing, speak in the present and future tense quietly to yourself, or as if you are reading it from a page. Start to picture three boxes under the water that you have to swim to get to. Once you have found the boxes open them slowly one at a time and narrate to yourself what is happening when you open the box. For example “As I open the box I feel a radiant light engulf me, I feel it becoming a part of me, this light is my new found confidence that I can never lose as it is now a part of me' and then proceed on to the next box. You should avoid using statements with negative connotation such as "I don't want to be tired and irritable." Instead, say, "I am becoming calm and relaxed." Examples of positive statements "I am strong and slender," "I am successful and positive," and, if you are suffering from back ache, "My back is beginning to feel wonderful."  

7. Repeat your statement(s) to yourself as many times as you wish.  Two or 3 times should be enough.

8. Once you are satisfied with what you have done, swim back to the stairs and feel with each step you take the water becoming lower and lower until you have once again reached that fifth step. Once you are out of the water and are on the sixth step you may start to feel heavy or as if there is a weight on your chest. Wait on the step until this passes, constantly repeating your aforementioned statements. Once it passes continue up the stairs visualizing each step by its number, feeling the steps underneath you, will yourself to carry on up the stairs.

9. Once you have ascended, give yourself a few moments before opening your eyes. You may want to visualize yourself opening a door to the outside world, do this slowly and imagine the light that pours in through the door way, this should make your eyes open. Take your time getting up. Then out loud tell yourself "Wide awake, Wide awake" or something maybe that your mother used to say when she woke you up in the morning as a child. This will put your mind back in the conscious state. 

SF Giants baseball player on disabled list with anxiety

I've talked in the past on PANIC! about pro athletes being sidelined by panic and anxiety. Here in San Francisco, it's happened again, to Giants infielder Aubrey Huff:

San Francisco Giants baseball player Aubrey Huff has been put on the 15-day disabled list because of anxiety, according to the team’s manager, Bruce Bochy...

Huff has had his share of troubles. He is currently going through a divorce and his father was murdered when he was 7. His career has been floundering this year. And on Saturday, while playing second base  for the first time, Huff did not cover second base on what could have been a key double play. Some described the play as "embarrassing."

Any and all of these events could lead to anxiety and panic attacks for certain individuals, experts said.

This is a bummer for Huff, and I hope he feels back on solid ground soon. And bravo to him for being public about what he's going through:

"Without interviewing Mr. Huff, it is impossible to know the precise nature of his anxiety," said Dr. Una McCann, director of the Anxiety Disorders Clinic at Johns Hopkins Medical Institute. "However, I'm impressed that he was so open about the diagnosis, since psychiatric illnesses continue to be stigmatized."

"Be being forthright about his problem, he did a real service for all those other patients with anxiety disorders who feel they need to hide their diagnoses or are embarrassed to speak about them," said McCann. 

Aubrey Huff's my new favorite Giant.

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Stress depression and the holidays Coping Tips

Stress and depression can ruin your holidays and hurt your health. Being realistic, planning ahead and seeking support can help ward off stress and depression

The holidays can be a joyful time, offering a chance to reconnect with friends and family. But they can also be stressful. You may feel pressure to buy and give gifts. Maybe you are worried about money. The holidays can also be hectic. There never seems to be enough time to get things done.

Think about the kinds of events that trigger stress for you during the holidays. Then you can focus on one or two things you can do that will help the most to reduce stress.

For many people, holiday stress is triggered by:

• Unhappy memories. Going home for the holidays naturally makes people remember old times, but for you the memories may be more bitter than sweet. “During the holidays, a lot of childhood memories come back,” says Duckworth, who is also an assistant professor at Harvard University Medical School. “You may find yourself dwelling on what was inadequate about your childhood and what was missing.” If you associate the holidays with a bad time in your life -- the loss of a loved one, a previous depression -- this time of year will naturally bring those memories back.
• Toxic relatives. Holidays can put you in the same room with relatives you avoid the rest of the year. People struggling withdepression may face stigma, too. “Some relatives don’t really believe you’re depressed,” says Gloria Pope, director of advocacy and public policy at the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance in Chicago. “They think you’re just lazy, or that it’s all in your head. It can be really hurtful.”
• What’s changed. The holidays can highlight everything that’s changed in your lives -- a divorce, a death in the family, a son who’s making his first trip back home after starting college. Any of these can really unsettle a gathering and add holiday stress.
• What’s stayed the same. For others, it’s the monotonous sameness of family holiday gatherings that depresses them -- the same faces, the same jokes, the same food on the same china plates.
• Lowered defenses. During the holiday season, you’re more likely to be stressed out by obligations and errands. It’s cold and flu season and your immune system is under assault. It’s getting dark earlier each day. You’re eating worse, sleeping less, and drinking more. By the time the family gathering rolls around, you’re worn out, tense, and fragile. The holiday stress makes it harder to cope with your family than it might be at other times of the year.

Tips for Beating Holiday Stress

Once you’ve taken a clear look at the holidays -- about what works and what doesn’t -- it’s time to make some changes. Focus on the holiday stresses that you can control. That includes making different plans and changing your responses to situations. Here are four key don’ts for the holidays.

• Don’t do the same old thing. If the usual family gathering is causing holiday stress, try something else. If you’re too overwhelmed to host, discuss other possibilities with family members. Maybe a sibling could have the dinner this year.
• Don’t expect miracles. If your holiday anxiety stems from a deeper history of family conflict, don’t expect that you’ll be able to resolve any big underlying issues now. Sure, it’s supposed to be a season of forgiveness and good will. But in the midst of a hectic holiday season, you can’t pin your hopes on leading family members to big emotional breakthroughs. You may be better off focusing on your own state of mind and confronting difficult issues during a less volatile time of year.
• Don’t overdo it. To reduce holiday stress, you have to pace yourself. Long before the family gatherings actually happen, decide on some limits and stick to them. Stay one or two nights at your parents’ house instead of three or four. Plan to drop by the holiday party for a couple of hours instead of staying all night.
• Don’t worry about how things should be. “There’s a lot of cultural pressure during the holidays,” says Duckworth. “We tend to compare ourselves with these idealized notions of perfect families and perfect holidays.” But in fact, most people have less than perfect holiday gatherings -- they have family tension, melancholy, and dry turkey too. If you have negative feelings, don’t try to deny them. Remember that there’s nothing wrong or shameful or unusual about feeling down during the holidays.

  Tips to prevent holiday stress and depression

  When stress is at its peak, it's hard to stop and regroup. Try to prevent stress and depression in the first place, especially if the holidays have taken an emotional toll on you in the past.
  1. Acknowledge your feelings. If someone close to you has recently died or you can't be with loved ones, realize that it's normal to feel sadness and grief. It's OK to take time to cry or express your feelings. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.
  2. Reach out. If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events. They can offer support and companionship. Volunteering your time to help others also is a good way to lift your spirits and broaden your friendships.
  3. Be realistic. The holidays don't have to be perfect or just like last year. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to creating new ones. For example, if your adult children can't come to your house, find new ways to celebrate together, such as sharing pictures, emails or videos.
  4. Set aside differences. Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they don't live up to all of your expectations. Set aside grievances until a more appropriate time for discussion. And be understanding if others get upset or distressed when something goes awry. Chances are they're feeling the effects of holiday stress and depression, too.
  5. Stick to a budget. Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend. Then stick to your budget. Don't try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts.
  Try these alternatives:
  • Donate to a charity in someone's name.
  • Give homemade gifts.
  • Start a family gift exchange.
  6. Plan ahead. Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other activities. Plan your menus and then make your shopping list. That'll help prevent last-minute scrambling to buy forgotten ingredients. And make sure to line up help for party prep and cleanup.
  7. Learn to say no. Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Friends and colleagues will understand if you can't participate in every project or activity. If it's not possible to say no when your boss asks you to work overtime, try to remove something else from your agenda to make up for the lost time.
  8. Don't abandon healthy habits. Don't let the holidays become a free-for-all. Overindulgence only adds to your stress and guilt.
     Try these suggestions:
     • Have a healthy snack before holiday parties so that you don't go overboard on sweets, cheese or drinks.
     • Get plenty of sleep.
     • Incorporate regular physical activity into each day.
  9. Take a breather. Make some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Find something that reduces stress by clearing your mind, slowing your breathing and restoring inner calm.
     Some options may include:
     • Taking a walk at night and stargazing.
     • Listening to soothing music.
     • Getting a massage.
     • Reading a book.
  10. Seek professional help if you need it. Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling persistently sad or anxious, plagued by physical complaints, unable to sleep, irritable and hopeless, and unable to face routine chores. If these feelings last for a while, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional.

Adapted from WebMD, Mayo clinic,

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That Bushy Faced Devil Who Shares My Bed

Since my husband now lives in the attic, emerging only to take meals and refresh his glass of low-sodium V-8, he has grown a ferocious beard. The beard is larger than his whole head and exists, presumably, to scare off any intruders when he drops on them, catlike, from the spot he occupies in the eaves.

This is not my husband. My husband is hotter. But a beard does not look good even on this reasonably attractive fellow.

 

The beard is of the ilk that would cause Jeeves, Bertie Wooster's man, to discreetly place a razor at the side of the breakfast plate each morning with a poignant, meaningful "Sir" until the matter were dealt with appropriately. It has quite taken over my husband's dear face, such that I can see his glimmering, beady blue eyes winking through the coarse matting.

Some elements of the beard are asymmetrical and tufty.

I am in some ways responsible for the beard, for I am fond of a "rugged, manly look." I did not know that it would so quickly o'ertake his face! I did not know that it would grow, and grow, as if an angry marmot were ravishing his chin!

I have begun to fear that the beard has addled his normally sharp brains. For example, I often ask his advice on some of my writing projects. He usually responds with appropriate and kindly criticism. But not since The Beard hove on the scene and began, with its coiled tendrils, to tighten its grip on certain areas of the brain responsible for common sense and intelligence. Last night I asked him what he thought of something brilliant I had written, and his response was lukewarm.

"Really?" says I. "I thought it was rather clever!"

"You are wrong," says he.

"Am I?" says I. "You don't think it's prize-worthy prose?"

I heard a voice speaking out of the tufted mass of tangled hair, and it said something like: "No one will ever buy it. No one will ever read it. No one gives a shit about such topics!"

"I will no longer dedicate my book to you, then!" says I heatedly.

"Poo!" he snarked. "Don't, then!"

"I won't!" I cried. "And another thing, I am going to write rude things about you, and post them online!"

"Do your worst clangings and bangings and tippity-tappings!" he said, sounding and looking an awful lot like "Gurgi" from the Chronicles of Prydain.

His beard sharpened into steely points, and we were at an impasse. I have set traps for him, and they are baited with Bushmills whiskey and Guinness.

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